The Best Passive Aggressive Wines for Valentine’s Day

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“Love is a grave mental disease.” ~Plato

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”~Anon

Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day!

If you’re ready to send a different kind of love message this Valentine’s Day, we’ve found you the wines to do it. Sure, you could overspend on bad quality chocolate made with the use of illegal child labour and third world debt. Or you could give wine.

Because passive aggressive wine gifts are always the best…

The best passive aggressive wines for Valentine’s Day

Wightmare  by Alpha Box and Dice

Eloquently described as a ‘post-modern dry white wine perfectly suited for trans-dimensional excursions’ it’s made with unspecified varieties of grapes from the McLaren Vale and Adelaide Hills regions.

It’s a crisp and aromatic wine that doesn’t ever really identify its real, true self – instead it hides behind showy features like sherbety citrus fruit aromas and exotic frangipanis. Then it tries to seduce you with offers of pink grapefruit and jasmine blossom, before climaxing in a bone dry finish to leave you speechless. You’ll never know exactly what it was, but it may haunt you for life.

Graves Gate Shiraz by Chain of Ponds

Love is a battlefield, where even the strongest and most beautifully Instagrammed are felled and left in the gutter to die.

Here, the weapons are big hits of blackcurrant, dark plum and blackberry, which are smoothed over by the velvety tannins and warm oaky-ness.

Put half of it in a Boeuf Bourguignon, and slurp the other half while you once again have ‘that talk’ about leaving towels on the bathroom floor…

Quickie! by Some Young Punks

Make him feel all man with an offer he can’t refuse. He won’t for a second suspect you are, in fact, alluding to your overall level of satisfaction. This is an Adelaide Hills Sauvignon Blanc that’s generously endowed with tropical fruit, but then elegantly hides it behind restraining features like crisp acidity and good minerality.

Served alongside a warm goats cheese salad and some toasted baguette. Oops! You were too fast. You ate it all before he even sat down! Sorry, hon.

El Desperado Rosé by The Pawn Wine Company

This is not as obvious as you (or he) may first suspect. In chess, El Desperado is actually a doomed pawn determined to give itself up to bring about a stalemate when captured – a pawn that is as good as dead – setting out to do as much damage as possible. Talk about message in a bottle…there’s so many in here you’ll need to download the Thesaurus.com app to his smartphone.

This is a delicious bright and zingy Sangiovese based, pale pink Rosé with lashings of Turkish delight, rose petals and juicy guava. Perfect with a romantic meal of chicken brochettes and a side of sneer.